I’m In A Long Distance Relationship: How To Make A Long Distance Marriage Work.

I’m in a long-distance marriage. I never imagined I would be in a long distance relationship yet here I am. And here are some things you can do to help keep your bond strong even when you don’t live under the same roof.
**Update 

I’m no longer in a long-distance marriage. After three years of living apart with the occasional visit every few months, we are finally living under a roof again. Covid made it possible for my husband to work from home indefinitely. 

*disclaimer*  I am not a professional relationship counsellor. Listed below are some simple ideas to help keep your bond strong, recommended by people who are actually in long-distance relationships. These are not long-distance relationship rules. This list is in no way complete. 

I’m in a long distance marriage:

My husband Blake got a fantastic job that he couldn’t turn down. His new job ticked off all the boxes in terms of money, career goals and field of work.

Every box except for one— location!

His new job is in Switzerland, more than 10 hours by train from where we live in France, making it impossible for him to commute home daily and too expensive to come home every weekend, so he comes home every four to six weeks for a week at a time. A round trip train ticket costs roughly 450 euros (525 USD) 

We may eventually move to Switzerland or move to a French border town like Strasbourg however uprooting the entire family including a grumpy cat is out of the question at the moment. 

We want to keep things stable for the kids, and we want to see how the job goes first before we make such a big decision.

5 things you can do to keep your long distance relationship and bond strong

A long-distance relationship is unconventional, complicated and messy but it can work. People do it all the time. It just takes more effort. Here are a few ideas for you.

1-Send care packages, letters and thoughtful gifts every once in a while:

How do you show someone you care or make them feel special?

When the person you love is right there with you day in and day out, you have so many opportunities and so many ways you can do this.

In a long-distance relationship, the simple act of making someone feel loved gets tricky.

You can’t cook their favourite meal, lovingly stroke their hair, hold their hand, spontaneously go out on a date or any of those the things you used to be able to do any time you wanted.

So what do you do?

One thing you can do is send a care package to show your partner he or she is missed. It’s a simple gesture that doesn’t take a lot of time but is incredibly thoughtful.

But don’t take my word for it. Just ask the spouses of military personnel stationed overseas who receive care packages from their loved ones to lift their morale.  If it works for them, it might work for your long distance relationship too.

Here are a few Ideas for care packages.  

• Movie night care-package filled with popcorn, candy, and maybe a DVD.
• A coffee care package filled with their favourite coffee, biscotti, chocolates and cookies.
• Send a wedding anniversary care package.
• Valentines care package
• A bubble bath care package – why not?
• Love letter care package: Write a series of letters then send them all at once.
• A collection of books.
• A birthday care package
• kid drawing care package: send a bunch of your kids’ drawings.

2- Use technology to communicate regularly- daily even?:

We all know communication is the key to a healthy and open relationship but putting distance between two people makes communication extremely difficult.

You have to work twice as hard to keep the communication going.

So how, when and how often should you talk?

There are a lot of different opinions out there on just how often couples in a long distance relationship should talk.

Some experts believe you should try to talk every day if possible, texting and talking several times a day. Others feel daily is too often.

I don’t think there is one hard and fast rule. It depends on your situation: your relationship, time difference, priorities, work schedule if you have children etc.

Which communication tool works for you?

Thanks to the internet and communication apps like Skype, messenger Whatsapp and Facetime, the ease with which you can talk, chat and speak face to face on your smartphones and computers can make the distance and gap feel a little narrower. It’s also cost effective to use these internet based apps, unlike expensive long distance plans.

So take advantage of the technology and take the time to download and try out several different ones to see which one works best fo you.  . 

My husband and I use Messenger to text one another throughout the day. Then in the evenings, we chat by video using the messenger app. I send him photos through the app too. But we could just as easily use Whatsapp. We tried skype but it was too laggy on our phone. 

In other words, use what works for you.. 

3-Manage your expectations- Don’t make assumptions about how things will work:

Don’t assume that you’re both automatically going to agree on how things will work in your long distance relationship.

• You might think to talk once a day is perfect, but he might think it’s too much.
• She might want you to come home more often but you think it’s too expensive and only want to come home every few months.

You’re not a mind reader, and neither is your significant other. Communicate early and often about what you expect your long distance relationship to look like to avoid hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

4-Schedule Regular visits and use your time wisely

In a long distance relationship, time physically spent together is a commodity. Things like money, distance and schedules are just a few of the barriers that can make regular visits difficult.

So when you can be in the same place at the same time, use your time wisely.

Try to plan your visits in a way that makes the best use of your time together just like you used to do when you were dating.

What will you do? How long will he or she stay?

If you think about it, being in a long distance relationship can be a lot like dating. Pretty romantic if you ask me.

5-Set an end date.

Anyone can go solo for a period of time but knowing there is an end date can give you some piece of mind. If you’re not sure about an end date, schedule a time in the future where you can both revisit and reevaluate your long distance relationship situation.

Does it make sense to continue living apart? Should one of you move, if so who? Should certain aspects of the current arrangement change? Etc. etc.

Whatever your situation, long distance relationships can work. People do it all the time, but you need to make a conscious effort and work together to make it work.

Good luck, not that you need it.

Relationships take work, and long distance relationships are no different. You have to do what works for you.